Here are the slightly belated #WeirdHoroscopes for the week of May 6th by Jezmina Von Thiele, delayed because of the underworld of finals. Have a weird week, babies.
#Taurus You have the ability to speak with the wind, & it’s as sick of bullshit as you are. You & the wind are the ultimate power couple, calling the ethereal shots between pillow talk & erosion. Use your joined powers for hilarious pranks & more noble ends.
#Gemini If your version of reality doesn’t match others’ then the lesson you should take away is that reality is meaningless & we are but the brilliant scatterings of light flung from the void’s disco ball. Don’t let the universe gaslight you. Get up to get down
#Cancer It’s the ideal time to lead a rebel army of affectionate puppies & assorted baby animals. Take to the streets with extreme cuddling. Stage a hostile takeover of the UN & do not relent until everyone has snuggled & frolicked to peace. It’s your destiny.
#Leo You’re lucky that you alone know how your friends should run their lives & how the universe should be arranged. Expect an invitation to star in a reality TV show in which you join the pantheon of divine beings & intervene as desired. Shit’s gonna get cray.
#Virgo You are going to makeout with a chaos fairy & leave a trail of mayhem & destruction, like blood-soaked flowers traipsing from a murder scene—the liberating murder of your ego, of perfectionism, & also an actual murder. Have a good time, baby.
#Libra The Roma believe that Death is a beautiful woman & it’s true. She wants you to look your fear of loss in the eye, cloak yourself in your most toxic perfume, & get sexy. Your children will be bats, then charming ghosts, & you & your death will rule eternity
#Scorpio You have fought with god & won. Lilith will throw you a celebratory witches’ soirée this week. The attire will be sabbath casual, black cat optional, bring your our goblin. Try the punch. It’s definitely not blood.
#Sagittarius it’s time to balance your side hustles. Working dark magic by night, ferrying sacred crocodiles across the Nile by day, and reassembling Osiris to impregnate yourself with the sun king is too much for any winged being. Streamline, baby soul.
#Capricorn If you are bearing the guilt of ages, let down your burdens. You are not the reason why Rome burnt while Nero fiddled, or why all those Vermeers, or why your closets are full of dead spiders. Go outside & scream ABSOLUTELY NOT to absolve yourself.
#Aquarius You have built an intricate underground system of tunnels & refuse to resurface, but some of the world’s greatest leaders were also gophers or lived among them. Let your subterranean friends lift you up, figuratively, & help you find your power.
#Pisces If you feel an urge to test the laws of gravity, refrain. You have people who support you, but not on this. Your perceptive lunar magic is powerful but gravity is a mistress who will not be ignored. Look at the ground & say, I ACCEPT, to clear your heart
#Aries Instead of slaying the dragon, become the dragon. Toughen your flesh into scales, hoard treasure in an enchanted mountain cave, & study fire breathing at the circus. You’ll find your life becomes richer, warmer, & more varied.
Featured Image by Debra, “Premonition Machine,” 2013