#WeirdHoroscopes Week of May 13th

It’s time for my #WeirdHoroscopes for the week of May 13th! Live by them.

Taurus: Change is coming from within you in the form of an Athena-like lightning-burst out through your skull. Allow this new, sassy-smart electricity being to revamp everything from your wardrobe to your nervous system. Crackle onward!

Gemini: There is a sentient seashell in your ribcage. Pry open the bone-hinge, hold it to your ear, & listen. It’s whispers are calling b.s. & telling good truths, for it is all-knowing. Put your faith in yourself, your voice, & in psychic seashell.

Cancer: As it happens, your myriad, shimmering, weird impulses are the guiding force to the world’s happiness. Unlock the tiny bird-sized door of your throat & let the bluebird of your happy weirdness voice its prophetic delights!

Leo: you woke up this morning as the regent of a technicolor kingdom you didn’t know existed. Guide your surprise-subjects with blood wisdom & the intelligent ruby embedded in your guts. It scents change & demands fiery glitter. Be the ruler we deserve.

Virgo: You’ve been keeping dreams under your tongue like lozenges to soothe you but what if you glitter-spit those dreams into the world’s face & let the glorious spatter guide you to adventures that you only dared dream before. SPIT IN THE WORLD’S FACE, DARLING

Libra: You want to use leg magic to run away, but instead pirouette to the skeletons in your closet & invite them to high tea. Do feelings together over finger sandwiches & whatever skeletons eat (finger sandwiches?), even irrational ones. Ask them for advice.

Scorpio: Are you giving away parts of your flesh, bones, & eternal soul for free? The masses’ demand for you is akin to the Catholic mystic body cult’s demand for saint relics. Don’t let the people imbibe your magic ashes. You need them… for reasons.

Sagittarius: Don’t look back at failed adventures & shake your head. Look deep into your emerald veins & see that the present is an ever-churning river of blood magic, & you‘re tubing down like, WHOA, who’s even steering this fate innertube!? You are, baby. You.

Capricorn: Create balance in your busy life by running around in circles flinging coffee everywhere & shouting about how busy you are. Then, take to the hills & gather your talking animals friends for a lovely yet comforting story hour, & sleep beneath the stars.

Aquarius: Transform into a nymph, sprite, or scary merperson & let the enchanted waterfalls power-wash away all that no longer serves you. Pay no mind to the cynical squirrel guardians who say change is impossible. They’re just pissed their TV pilot didn’t sell.

Pisces: Try writing the conspiracy theories for a change. You have the wit to actually make them fun. Plus you also have the latent chaos-creator magic to make them true. That explains why you’re so good at visualization manifestation, like The Secret. Too good.

Aries: You awoke to find your body became a Transformer-style crime-fighting robo-suit. Collaborate with the team of friendly scientists who manifested in your bathroom to make the best of your new gear, talents, & life purpose. Also avoid emotional spending $$$

Featured Image by Melly Kay, Custom No. 109, 2013

Gypsy Holiday Ederlezi and Spring Purity

This is pretty belated, but on May 6th I was lucky to perform at an Ederlezi celebration in Brooklyn. Sometimes the night is so good that you forget to document it until much later. Ederlezi is a spring holiday for Roma in the Balkans, and a variant on St. George’s Day. There’s a lot of singing, dancing, flower-throwing, and feasting of lamb to imbibe its purity and thus be renewed. Much of Romani spirituality centers on spiritual purification, and this holiday is a beautiful testament to this. Each activity cleanses the soul, and whenever possible, the holiday is celebrated by a river to bathe in and throw in flowers for luck.

My Romani family doesn’t actually celebrate the holiday because my ancestors settled in Western Europe, but I love the holiday and like to observe it in my own small way. This year, it was by dancing, singing, & invoking Sara la Kali at X Marks the Loft. So many thanks to JunXion for creating this beautiful event to celebrate the Balkan Romani holiday of spring and renewal. I’m also very grateful to the Bulgarian Voices Trio, who gave such a beautiful performance and then helped me sing “Ederlezi” because I’m not really a singer actually…. Check out their beautiful music.  Joro Boro also provided us great music & energy, and a real love for the holiday and for the Romani people. I was also touched by the way Chef Davo prepared the lamb so mindfully, slaughtering it himself with the respect and solemnity the holiday calls for, and pouring his intention for the holiday into cooking a delicious feast. We talked a little in Romanes, though mine is very broken due to my family losing the language in the war, and I learned that he lived alongside Roma back in Bulgaria and has a great affinity for the culture. The whole night I felt the respect and love of Romani allies who really wanted me there and encouraged me to share part of the Romani community’s culture.

Also, this is my favorite rendition of the song “Ederlezi” by Haimana Gipsy Band, featuring Tatiana Eva Marie 

ederlezi
💚❤️💙

#WeirdHoroscopes Week of May 6th

Here are the slightly belated #WeirdHoroscopes for the week of May 6th by Jezmina Von Thiele, delayed because of the underworld of finals. Have a weird week, babies.

#Taurus You have the ability to speak with the wind, & it’s as sick of bullshit as you are. You & the wind are the ultimate power couple, calling the ethereal shots between pillow talk & erosion. Use your joined powers for hilarious pranks & more noble ends.

#Gemini If your version of reality doesn’t match others’ then the lesson you should take away is that reality is meaningless & we are but the brilliant scatterings of light flung from the void’s disco ball. Don’t let the universe gaslight you. Get up to get down

#Cancer It’s the ideal time to lead a rebel army of affectionate puppies & assorted baby animals. Take to the streets with extreme cuddling. Stage a hostile takeover of the UN & do not relent until everyone has snuggled & frolicked to peace. It’s your destiny.

#Leo You’re lucky that you alone know how your friends should run their lives & how the universe should be arranged. Expect an invitation to star in a reality TV show in which you join the pantheon of divine beings & intervene as desired. Shit’s gonna get cray.

#Virgo You are going to makeout with a chaos fairy & leave a trail of mayhem & destruction, like blood-soaked flowers traipsing from a murder scene—the liberating murder of your ego, of perfectionism, & also an actual murder. Have a good time, baby.

#Libra The Roma believe that Death is a beautiful woman & it’s true. She wants you to look your fear of loss in the eye, cloak yourself in your most toxic perfume, & get sexy. Your children will be bats, then charming ghosts, & you & your death will rule eternity

#Scorpio You have fought with god & won. Lilith will throw you a celebratory witches’ soirée this week. The attire will be sabbath casual, black cat optional, bring your our goblin. Try the punch. It’s definitely not blood.

#Sagittarius it’s time to balance your side hustles. Working dark magic by night, ferrying sacred crocodiles across the Nile by day, and reassembling Osiris to impregnate yourself with the sun king is too much for any winged being. Streamline, baby soul.

#Capricorn If you are bearing the guilt of ages, let down your burdens. You are not the reason why Rome burnt while Nero fiddled, or why all those Vermeers, or why your closets are full of dead spiders. Go outside & scream ABSOLUTELY NOT to absolve yourself.

#Aquarius You have built an intricate underground system of tunnels & refuse to resurface, but some of the world’s greatest leaders were also gophers or lived among them. Let your subterranean friends lift you up, figuratively, & help you find your power.

#Pisces If you feel an urge to test the laws of gravity, refrain. You have people who support you, but not on this. Your perceptive lunar magic is powerful but gravity is a mistress who will not be ignored. Look at the ground & say, I ACCEPT, to clear your heart

#Aries Instead of slaying the dragon, become the dragon. Toughen your flesh into scales, hoard treasure in an enchanted mountain cave, & study fire breathing at the circus. You’ll find your life becomes richer, warmer, & more varied.

 

Featured Image by Debra, “Premonition Machine,” 2013

Beltane!

threeofdisks

Three of Disks

Today marks the Pagan spring holiday, Beltane, the time when the veil between us and the elemental spirits is thinnest. It’s the perfect time for divination, dreams, wishes, and making out. The holiday celebrates the divine, sexy union between the god and goddess, and the cosmic birth that follows, propelling the wheel of the year forward.

I pulled a tarot card to see what wisdom the spring will impart, and it was the Three of Discs. This card heralds cooperation amongst friends and colleagues to help you manifest your dreams into reality. It’s a good time for business growth and working on projects. Collaboration brings you and your peeps great success.

Here are some fun, simple things to do!

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I made these midnight muffins

  • Make honeyed bread to celebrate the return of the sun, fertility (of all kinds), and sweetness. I used this flourless banana bread muffins recipe from Running with Spoons. 
  • Buy flowers for your home, especially bright happy flowers
  • Make a flower crown and just own it. Check out this post by Arcane Alchemy about its history and how to make one!
  • Pull a tarot or oracle card and ask for a message for the spring. If you’re not sure what it means, you can look up definitions online. It’s also a great time to have your cards read by a friend or professional.
  • Tie ribbons on a tree or bush representing your wishes for the spring and ask the fae or earth elementals to help you manifest them, or make a wishing tree like this one from Mooky Chick.
  • Actually frolic around a Maypole
  • Jump over a small fire or candle for good luck, or a broom stick if you’re not feeling the flames. You can do this with a partner and make it sexy/a show of your dedication to each other.
  • Interpret your dreams
  • Make out with someone you like. It’s a total makeout holiday.

However simple or elaborate your celebration is, give thanks for the new surge of life coming your way, and enjoy the magic.

Featured image of tulips by shickadeaz

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Flowers in Brooklyn

Weird Horoscopes Week of May 1st, 2018

#WeirdHoroscopes Week of May 1st, 2018 by Jezmina Von Thiele

Taurus After the full moon, your dreams will answer your most pressing questions about love, magic, & adequate hydration. Yes, even that dream about harmonizing with an all-spider a capella group. Especially that one. Keep a dream journal bound in fairy spittle.

Gemini The great thing about being dazzling is that everyone is drawn to you, but the terrible thing is also that everyone is drawn to you. It’s the clove cigarette paradox. Consider dabbling in some well-meaning psychic manipulation. Read Circe’s secret diaries

Cancer Whether or not you meant to, at the full moon, you supped on the youth of the world’s children, & you will never age. However, now you have the whims & fancies of an unrestrained child, & you must do your best to indulge the delightful madness that ensues

Leo Forget burning your candle at both ends. You doused the candle pile in gasoline, struck a match, then stalked away in slow motion. Are you busting yourself because of your childhoo–NOPE. Don’t look back there. It’s haunted. Buy a citrine quartz & take a nap

Virgo Listen, Satan has crush on you. You’re that cool. Your phone has been oozing hell-slime off the hook & disembodied emails are scrabbling at your threshold. It’s vampire rules: Just don’t invite him in & continue to slay. But keep the baby bat. Sooo cute!

Libra When was the last time you read through your old grimoires? Pore over the centuries of spells & stream-of-consciousness punning in search of codes from your higher self. Practice deep listening & draw boundaries with a poisoned athame. Your needs come 1st!

Scorpio You are in love with the moon, & she is changeable. She gifted you oceans, but full of sea monsters. You gifted her the starlight you secrete from the special gland all Scorpios have. It’s ok to ask the moon for commitment, balance, & splitsies dinners

Sagittarius You have crushed every bad thing that happened to you through your powerful cocktail of battle strategy & black magic. Now that the past is literally dead to you, light an arrow on fire & shoot it into a forest. The tree it hits will tell your future

Capricorn Hold interviews for your dream coven by inviting your friends into your dreams using tincture of mugwort & blue lotus, & a portkey. Set them psychic tasks & only let in the loves who wow you with kindness & green witchery. You deserve stellar support.

Aquarius When your subconscious fears materialize as, say, spiderbears, hold the offal of your terror-consciousness up to the crystalline light that pours in through your ceiling. It’s there to remind you that you are wonderful & to destroy, say, bloodeagles.

Pisces The full moon calls you to create your own spirituality. You don’t have to start by summoning hot Jesus from the Madonna video but you can! You have already have divine spirits from ethereal realms speaking through you, so preach from here to the YMCA!

Aries You are illuminated from within, literally emanating silvery lunar light from your skin, highlighting all aspects of your life, truth, & the universe. You can’t look away. No one can. It’s part of the curse. Learn from your light as you hover above mortals

Romani Rapper Nancy Black is the edgy anti-Nazi boom you’ve been looking for

The idea of the Gypsy woman performer conjures so many exoticized and sexualized stereotypes, and Nancy Black shatters them all with her new song “Trushula,” which is translated into English, calling out Nazi culture and Roma who have turned on their community with powerful lyrics and seriously boom beats. Check out her out on Instagram and her blog. Keep an eye out for her upcoming album, too. She is seriously something.

Image by Chris Hawes

Weird Horoscopes Week of 4/22/2018

Photo by Nicola Albertini 

#WeirdHoroscopes for the week of 4/22/2018

#Taurus: all acts of love & beauty are in your name this week, so ask mirror mirror on the wall what your self care should look like. Keep your spells & ruby apples for yourself, & rock that cape with a collar day & night.

#Gemini now is the time to bathe in donkey’s milk, encase your heart in golden honey, & teach your little asp to be your accomplice instead of your executioner. See how many bangles y’all can sneak out of the pyramids between you

#Cancer How can you best serve the Mother Darksome & Divine, & in turn, yourself? Try tattooing your lover in their sleep, mentoring at-risk bats, or start a school for wayward girls with pyrokinesis. Find the right cause to bring you back to your clawed heart.

#Leo If you are bored, it’s not you. It’s them. Your mantra: Be the gala at the haunted mansion. Be the reason the portraits’ eyes follow you through a room. Like, attracts like, dear Leo, & you’re well on your way to catching the eye of a charismatic succubus.

#Virgo It’s great that you appreciate aesthetics, but stop hiring your friends from model casting calls. Instead, summon some of the lovelier daemons from the realm of ether & fog. That #squad is much more your speed. Go hit the clubs!

#Libra Love is waiting for you in unexpected places, like secret passageways, a plucky werewolf pack, a forgotten pharaoh’s cursed tomb. Love is like The Hanged Man, upended, making it rain, loosely referencing ravens picking out your liver, but for the better!

#Scorpio Dress for the vigilante antihero job you want, not the one you have. Whether you’re more of a Mata Hari or Punisher, think carefully about the props you need—poison darts? Pitchforks?—what they say about you, & the energy they attract from the throngs

#Sagittarius If things don’t go@your way, make the chaos entertaining, like the Boschian nightmares you know & love. Let the farm animals indoors, fill the wells with perfume, adopt a tarantula, go to magic camp! It might be the most fun you have this year.

#Capricorn When was the last time you rolled around on the floor for the sheer pleasure of it? Or made friends with the rats at the park or on the subway? Prioritize glee. Teach a religious leader how to hula-hoop. Quit the banal. Become the Emperor of Ice Cream.

#Aquarius go outside, take a deep breath, & build the enchanted citadel you dreamt of through the long winter & planned with the thousands-year-old angels. Now is the time for your plans to blossom into gargoyles, flying buttresses, & architectural cryptomancy.

#Pisces What do you need to create an impenetrable sense of home? Whether you fill your garden with the top 10 poisonous plants, or build a thrifty diy fence of recycled daggers, be sure to give offerings to your house spirit & call your alien overlord collect.

#Aries Even the war gods need to chillax once in a while. Bring Cerberus, your three-headed puppy, out for a long walk in the sulphuric fjords, fashion a hammock from the flesh of your enemies, and just let the world melt away. Tiny umbrellas for your chalice!