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Weird Horoscopes–Week of May 20th, 2018

#WeirdHoroscopes are here again for the week of May 20th, delivered by sassy, weird oracle through me!

Gemini: Learn everything now. In your solar return, you have the ability to know all things by staring directly at the sun for several hours, or at the sun’s nemesis, the moon. Perhaps the latter is safest.

Cancer: Venus asks you to perform love & self care. Do something fun like bubble baths, knife fighting, or ax throwing. & if your loved ones don’t accept the love you give, set a “Make America Great Again” hat on fire.

Leo: If you’re asking yourself, “What am I even doing with my life?” then it’s really important that you don’t listen to anyone. Instead, go deep in the forest, cover yourself with earth, & let trees & herbs sprout from your ribcage. Then you will know.

Virgo: Make up some business cards to promote yourself & your many talents. Now is the time! & enchant them so that they burst into flame once the recipient commits their information to memory. It’ll show how dynamic & fun you are!

Libra: Consider volunteering your time to spread your wisdom. Shepherd souls across the river Lethe to the underworld. Become a volunteer ghost hunter. Counsel vampires grappling with eternity.

Scorpio: You are so passionate that you have an actual fire inside you. Learn to breathe it at will so you can char things or people as needed & provide clean, renewable energy. Learn to blow smoke rings out your nose too because people just love it.

Sagittarius: You just returned from the Underworld this week. Welcome back! Remember that the peeps on this side need you to show up in a corporeal form & do love & intimacy or whatever. You’re not swirling in a cyclone of spirit anymore! Not right now anyway.

Capricorn: Time to play! The stars suggest laser tag, or something in which you shoot light from your body, symbolizing how captivating & piercing you are, thereby triple-charging your powers. Perhaps try something with electric eels.

Aquarius: You have been reanimated after you were encased in ice for a hot minute, & it’s time to re-learn how to move your fingers & toes & pump blood through your body. Nuzzling animals & tanning beds are a good way to warm the heart, but not simultaneously.

Pisces: If you’re experiencing flashes of rage, do something productive. Start with a series of interpretive dance and arson, captain an armada of space cats, & write a treatise out of swords to resolve remaining grievances. Then take an angry-nap.

Aries: Privacy is important. Consider becoming unplottable, wearing disguises & full body armor, & sequestering yourself in a tower owned by a grumpy bear who minds his own business. You will later become great friends.

Taurus: You now have the ability to channel ghosts & spirits, especially Prince. Use your power for sassy good, wear a raspberry beret, & tell it like it is through song & androgynous sex appeal. Prince has a lot planned for you.

Featured Image by Wellcome Images

#WeirdHoroscopes Week of May 13th

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It’s time for my #WeirdHoroscopes for the week of May 13th! Live by them.

Taurus: Change is coming from within you in the form of an Athena-like lightning-burst out through your skull. Allow this new, sassy-smart electricity being to revamp everything from your wardrobe to your nervous system. Crackle onward!

Gemini: There is a sentient seashell in your ribcage. Pry open the bone-hinge, hold it to your ear, & listen. It’s whispers are calling b.s. & telling good truths, for it is all-knowing. Put your faith in yourself, your voice, & in psychic seashell.

Cancer: As it happens, your myriad, shimmering, weird impulses are the guiding force to the world’s happiness. Unlock the tiny bird-sized door of your throat & let the bluebird of your happy weirdness voice its prophetic delights!

Leo: you woke up this morning as the regent of a technicolor kingdom you didn’t know existed. Guide your surprise-subjects with blood wisdom & the intelligent ruby embedded in your guts. It scents change & demands fiery glitter. Be the ruler we deserve.

Virgo: You’ve been keeping dreams under your tongue like lozenges to soothe you but what if you glitter-spit those dreams into the world’s face & let the glorious spatter guide you to adventures that you only dared dream before. SPIT IN THE WORLD’S FACE, DARLING

Libra: You want to use leg magic to run away, but instead pirouette to the skeletons in your closet & invite them to high tea. Do feelings together over finger sandwiches & whatever skeletons eat (finger sandwiches?), even irrational ones. Ask them for advice.

Scorpio: Are you giving away parts of your flesh, bones, & eternal soul for free? The masses’ demand for you is akin to the Catholic mystic body cult’s demand for saint relics. Don’t let the people imbibe your magic ashes. You need them… for reasons.

Sagittarius: Don’t look back at failed adventures & shake your head. Look deep into your emerald veins & see that the present is an ever-churning river of blood magic, & you‘re tubing down like, WHOA, who’s even steering this fate innertube!? You are, baby. You.

Capricorn: Create balance in your busy life by running around in circles flinging coffee everywhere & shouting about how busy you are. Then, take to the hills & gather your talking animals friends for a lovely yet comforting story hour, & sleep beneath the stars.

Aquarius: Transform into a nymph, sprite, or scary merperson & let the enchanted waterfalls power-wash away all that no longer serves you. Pay no mind to the cynical squirrel guardians who say change is impossible. They’re just pissed their TV pilot didn’t sell.

Pisces: Try writing the conspiracy theories for a change. You have the wit to actually make them fun. Plus you also have the latent chaos-creator magic to make them true. That explains why you’re so good at visualization manifestation, like The Secret. Too good.

Aries: You awoke to find your body became a Transformer-style crime-fighting robo-suit. Collaborate with the team of friendly scientists who manifested in your bathroom to make the best of your new gear, talents, & life purpose. Also avoid emotional spending $$$

Featured Image by Melly Kay, Custom No. 109, 2013

Weird Horoscopes Week of May 1st, 2018

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#WeirdHoroscopes Week of May 1st, 2018 by Jezmina Von Thiele

Taurus After the full moon, your dreams will answer your most pressing questions about love, magic, & adequate hydration. Yes, even that dream about harmonizing with an all-spider a capella group. Especially that one. Keep a dream journal bound in fairy spittle.

Gemini The great thing about being dazzling is that everyone is drawn to you, but the terrible thing is also that everyone is drawn to you. It’s the clove cigarette paradox. Consider dabbling in some well-meaning psychic manipulation. Read Circe’s secret diaries

Cancer Whether or not you meant to, at the full moon, you supped on the youth of the world’s children, & you will never age. However, now you have the whims & fancies of an unrestrained child, & you must do your best to indulge the delightful madness that ensues

Leo Forget burning your candle at both ends. You doused the candle pile in gasoline, struck a match, then stalked away in slow motion. Are you busting yourself because of your childhoo–NOPE. Don’t look back there. It’s haunted. Buy a citrine quartz & take a nap

Virgo Listen, Satan has crush on you. You’re that cool. Your phone has been oozing hell-slime off the hook & disembodied emails are scrabbling at your threshold. It’s vampire rules: Just don’t invite him in & continue to slay. But keep the baby bat. Sooo cute!

Libra When was the last time you read through your old grimoires? Pore over the centuries of spells & stream-of-consciousness punning in search of codes from your higher self. Practice deep listening & draw boundaries with a poisoned athame. Your needs come 1st!

Scorpio You are in love with the moon, & she is changeable. She gifted you oceans, but full of sea monsters. You gifted her the starlight you secrete from the special gland all Scorpios have. It’s ok to ask the moon for commitment, balance, & splitsies dinners

Sagittarius You have crushed every bad thing that happened to you through your powerful cocktail of battle strategy & black magic. Now that the past is literally dead to you, light an arrow on fire & shoot it into a forest. The tree it hits will tell your future

Capricorn Hold interviews for your dream coven by inviting your friends into your dreams using tincture of mugwort & blue lotus, & a portkey. Set them psychic tasks & only let in the loves who wow you with kindness & green witchery. You deserve stellar support.

Aquarius When your subconscious fears materialize as, say, spiderbears, hold the offal of your terror-consciousness up to the crystalline light that pours in through your ceiling. It’s there to remind you that you are wonderful & to destroy, say, bloodeagles.

Pisces The full moon calls you to create your own spirituality. You don’t have to start by summoning hot Jesus from the Madonna video but you can! You have already have divine spirits from ethereal realms speaking through you, so preach from here to the YMCA!

Aries You are illuminated from within, literally emanating silvery lunar light from your skin, highlighting all aspects of your life, truth, & the universe. You can’t look away. No one can. It’s part of the curse. Learn from your light as you hover above mortals

Weird Horoscopes Week of 4/22/2018

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Photo by Nicola Albertini

#WeirdHoroscopes for the week of 4/22/2018

#Taurus: all acts of love & beauty are in your name this week, so ask mirror mirror on the wall what your self care should look like. Keep your spells & ruby apples for yourself, & rock that cape with a collar day & night.

#Gemini now is the time to bathe in donkey’s milk, encase your heart in golden honey, & teach your little asp to be your accomplice instead of your executioner. See how many bangles y’all can sneak out of the pyramids between you

#Cancer How can you best serve the Mother Darksome & Divine, & in turn, yourself? Try tattooing your lover in their sleep, mentoring at-risk bats, or start a school for wayward girls with pyrokinesis. Find the right cause to bring you back to your clawed heart.

#Leo If you are bored, it’s not you. It’s them. Your mantra: Be the gala at the haunted mansion. Be the reason the portraits’ eyes follow you through a room. Like, attracts like, dear Leo, & you’re well on your way to catching the eye of a charismatic succubus.

#Virgo It’s great that you appreciate aesthetics, but stop hiring your friends from model casting calls. Instead, summon some of the lovelier daemons from the realm of ether & fog. That #squad is much more your speed. Go hit the clubs!

#Libra Love is waiting for you in unexpected places, like secret passageways, a plucky werewolf pack, a forgotten pharaoh’s cursed tomb. Love is like The Hanged Man, upended, making it rain, loosely referencing ravens picking out your liver, but for the better!

#Scorpio Dress for the vigilante antihero job you want, not the one you have. Whether you’re more of a Mata Hari or Punisher, think carefully about the props you need—poison darts? Pitchforks?—what they say about you, & the energy they attract from the throngs

#Sagittarius If things don’t go@your way, make the chaos entertaining, like the Boschian nightmares you know & love. Let the farm animals indoors, fill the wells with perfume, adopt a tarantula, go to magic camp! It might be the most fun you have this year.

#Capricorn When was the last time you rolled around on the floor for the sheer pleasure of it? Or made friends with the rats at the park or on the subway? Prioritize glee. Teach a religious leader how to hula-hoop. Quit the banal. Become the Emperor of Ice Cream.

#Aquarius go outside, take a deep breath, & build the enchanted citadel you dreamt of through the long winter & planned with the thousands-year-old angels. Now is the time for your plans to blossom into gargoyles, flying buttresses, & architectural cryptomancy.

#Pisces What do you need to create an impenetrable sense of home? Whether you fill your garden with the top 10 poisonous plants, or build a thrifty diy fence of recycled daggers, be sure to give offerings to your house spirit & call your alien overlord collect.

#Aries Even the war gods need to chillax once in a while. Bring Cerberus, your three-headed puppy, out for a long walk in the sulphuric fjords, fashion a hammock from the flesh of your enemies, and just let the world melt away. Tiny umbrellas for your chalice!

Weird Horoscopes by Jezmina

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Hello friends! I’ve written out your week’s horoscopes because I want you to be happy, work your strange magic, and also not take this strange human flesh journey too terribly seriously, especially when things are a little wild.

Aries: Make manipulation fun! Especially retributive manipulation with an edge of altruism. But keep your Machiavellian magic in the workplace because your loved ones are already onto you.

Taurus: The cool thing about hating everything right now is that it’s so much easier to burn it all to the ground, organize your rebel band of merrymakers, and get shit done in the beautiful wreckage of your spoils.

Gemini: If you’re just returned from a harrowing-yet-sexy journey to the underworld, use your newly acquired necromancy skills for good. Bring some healing to this world.

Cancer: If an octopus can live in a friendship colony after a long day of solo hunting and introspection, so can you. Scuttle up to your loved ones and stare into their eyes until everyone’s intimacy issues combust in a stunning display of underwater fireworks.

Leo: The chaos in your life is nothing compared to the chaos in your heart. Treat yourself. Break all of your lover’s dishes. It’ll be wonderfully cinematic.

Virgo: So the Lord of the Underworld isn’t impressed with your good deeds or your new screenplay. Honestly though, his taste isn’t really that refined, and Persephone really digs your vibe. Keep up the strange work.

Libra: This is the week for you to get in touch with your feelings, like every single wretched feeling you’ve ever worked tirelessly to suppress. Go ahead, take a taxidermy workshop to meditate on the horror of mortality & make it your plaything! This is healing time.

Scorpio: Use your shapeshifting skills to tell any perceived weakness to go fuck itself. Try saying “fuck this” as a crocodile, a mongoose, or a narwhal, & step into your odd changeling power. Confidence is the ability to shed your flesh shell for a better one at will.

Sagittarius: Your mantra this week is, “I am ten thousand kittens in a trench coat. Human standards mean nothing to me, and I surge with the power of fluffy cuteness dressed for espionage and drama! THE WORLD IS NO MATCH!” Now deep breath in, and exhale.

Capricorn: Instead of throwing tantrums at work, pick up an instrument to release your frustrations. You can always throw that too. Screaming into the void never felt so good, because in your case, the void kinda has a crush on you.

Aquarius: You’ve been wading in the deep lagoon of mortal shame & suffering for too long. Towel off, don your fav dressing gown & nightcap, & carry a lit candle while incanting poetry to the masses. Make them too think about what they’ve done. It’s time for you to shine!

Pisces: You’ve always been funny, but have you been a loyal servant to the ocean & all of its mysteries? Use your charm to befriend new species this week, or even discover them. Bring out that inner sparkle that attracts marine life enmasse. Few can resist!

Featured Image by Ivan Pavlovskyy