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#WeirdHoroscopes Week of May 13th

It’s time for my #WeirdHoroscopes for the week of May 13th! Live by them.

Taurus: Change is coming from within you in the form of an Athena-like lightning-burst out through your skull. Allow this new, sassy-smart electricity being to revamp everything from your wardrobe to your nervous system. Crackle onward!

Gemini: There is a sentient seashell in your ribcage. Pry open the bone-hinge, hold it to your ear, & listen. It’s whispers are calling b.s. & telling good truths, for it is all-knowing. Put your faith in yourself, your voice, & in psychic seashell.

Cancer: As it happens, your myriad, shimmering, weird impulses are the guiding force to the world’s happiness. Unlock the tiny bird-sized door of your throat & let the bluebird of your happy weirdness voice its prophetic delights!

Leo: you woke up this morning as the regent of a technicolor kingdom you didn’t know existed. Guide your surprise-subjects with blood wisdom & the intelligent ruby embedded in your guts. It scents change & demands fiery glitter. Be the ruler we deserve.

Virgo: You’ve been keeping dreams under your tongue like lozenges to soothe you but what if you glitter-spit those dreams into the world’s face & let the glorious spatter guide you to adventures that you only dared dream before. SPIT IN THE WORLD’S FACE, DARLING

Libra: You want to use leg magic to run away, but instead pirouette to the skeletons in your closet & invite them to high tea. Do feelings together over finger sandwiches & whatever skeletons eat (finger sandwiches?), even irrational ones. Ask them for advice.

Scorpio: Are you giving away parts of your flesh, bones, & eternal soul for free? The masses’ demand for you is akin to the Catholic mystic body cult’s demand for saint relics. Don’t let the people imbibe your magic ashes. You need them… for reasons.

Sagittarius: Don’t look back at failed adventures & shake your head. Look deep into your emerald veins & see that the present is an ever-churning river of blood magic, & you‘re tubing down like, WHOA, who’s even steering this fate innertube!? You are, baby. You.

Capricorn: Create balance in your busy life by running around in circles flinging coffee everywhere & shouting about how busy you are. Then, take to the hills & gather your talking animals friends for a lovely yet comforting story hour, & sleep beneath the stars.

Aquarius: Transform into a nymph, sprite, or scary merperson & let the enchanted waterfalls power-wash away all that no longer serves you. Pay no mind to the cynical squirrel guardians who say change is impossible. They’re just pissed their TV pilot didn’t sell.

Pisces: Try writing the conspiracy theories for a change. You have the wit to actually make them fun. Plus you also have the latent chaos-creator magic to make them true. That explains why you’re so good at visualization manifestation, like The Secret. Too good.

Aries: You awoke to find your body became a Transformer-style crime-fighting robo-suit. Collaborate with the team of friendly scientists who manifested in your bathroom to make the best of your new gear, talents, & life purpose. Also avoid emotional spending $$$

Featured Image by Melly Kay, Custom No. 109, 2013

Weird Horoscopes Week of 4/22/2018

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Photo by Nicola Albertini

#WeirdHoroscopes for the week of 4/22/2018

#Taurus: all acts of love & beauty are in your name this week, so ask mirror mirror on the wall what your self care should look like. Keep your spells & ruby apples for yourself, & rock that cape with a collar day & night.

#Gemini now is the time to bathe in donkey’s milk, encase your heart in golden honey, & teach your little asp to be your accomplice instead of your executioner. See how many bangles y’all can sneak out of the pyramids between you

#Cancer How can you best serve the Mother Darksome & Divine, & in turn, yourself? Try tattooing your lover in their sleep, mentoring at-risk bats, or start a school for wayward girls with pyrokinesis. Find the right cause to bring you back to your clawed heart.

#Leo If you are bored, it’s not you. It’s them. Your mantra: Be the gala at the haunted mansion. Be the reason the portraits’ eyes follow you through a room. Like, attracts like, dear Leo, & you’re well on your way to catching the eye of a charismatic succubus.

#Virgo It’s great that you appreciate aesthetics, but stop hiring your friends from model casting calls. Instead, summon some of the lovelier daemons from the realm of ether & fog. That #squad is much more your speed. Go hit the clubs!

#Libra Love is waiting for you in unexpected places, like secret passageways, a plucky werewolf pack, a forgotten pharaoh’s cursed tomb. Love is like The Hanged Man, upended, making it rain, loosely referencing ravens picking out your liver, but for the better!

#Scorpio Dress for the vigilante antihero job you want, not the one you have. Whether you’re more of a Mata Hari or Punisher, think carefully about the props you need—poison darts? Pitchforks?—what they say about you, & the energy they attract from the throngs

#Sagittarius If things don’t go@your way, make the chaos entertaining, like the Boschian nightmares you know & love. Let the farm animals indoors, fill the wells with perfume, adopt a tarantula, go to magic camp! It might be the most fun you have this year.

#Capricorn When was the last time you rolled around on the floor for the sheer pleasure of it? Or made friends with the rats at the park or on the subway? Prioritize glee. Teach a religious leader how to hula-hoop. Quit the banal. Become the Emperor of Ice Cream.

#Aquarius go outside, take a deep breath, & build the enchanted citadel you dreamt of through the long winter & planned with the thousands-year-old angels. Now is the time for your plans to blossom into gargoyles, flying buttresses, & architectural cryptomancy.

#Pisces What do you need to create an impenetrable sense of home? Whether you fill your garden with the top 10 poisonous plants, or build a thrifty diy fence of recycled daggers, be sure to give offerings to your house spirit & call your alien overlord collect.

#Aries Even the war gods need to chillax once in a while. Bring Cerberus, your three-headed puppy, out for a long walk in the sulphuric fjords, fashion a hammock from the flesh of your enemies, and just let the world melt away. Tiny umbrellas for your chalice!

Weird Horoscopes: Week of April 16, 2018

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Weird Horoscopes by Jezmina Von Thiele! Here are my best cryptic predictions to keep you healthy and whole this week.

#Aries:You’ve been bowing to the powerful specter who lives inside you for too long. No one tells you what to do! Not even your own specter. Now is the time to rise up inside yourself & implement a ruthless revolution. & then treat yo’self to a sheet mask or date night.

#Taurus: You need to build an R&R-burrow to do some feelings, & because you draw comfort from tangible things, demand that the spirits of ether manifest. Let the archangels burn with splendor! Because for you, it isn’t real unless it’s right there blazing in your self-care bunker.

#Gemini: All the shady AF creatures you invited to your glam nocturnal garden parties are kind of douchey, so you’ve whisked yourself away to smokier realms. Stick to high standards for your infamous social calendar from now on. Enchanted fawns and Sumerian serpent priestesses only.

#Cancer: Your ambition to build the best crystal-shell palace is admirable, & your often-unseen blood-thirst for success is Queenly. Make sure your creatures will aid you in your deeds, & support your journey to be better than everyone. The bonding that follows is transcendent.

#Leo: If you’re wondering if everything is a lie & your anxiety is manifesting as hoards of spiders crawling up the walls, you’re right where you’re supposed to be. The new moon is an excellent time to take up hatchet throwing AND and hatchet burying. & maybe buy a funky crystal.

#Virgo: Everyone is really into you telling them what to do. People will probably pay you to do it, so dig deep & sweetly delve into their childhood issues in the boardroom. You’ll have your CEO crying like a baby & handing you that promotion in no time. You’re THAT delightful!

#Libra: If you’ve been disappointed by people recently, they’re stupid. Appeal to the magic boar of the forest to bring your true peeps (alive). Y’all might be scared at first bc the boar is bigger than expected, but open your heart, for he is gentle, & will also bring scones.

#Scorpio: This week is all about rituals. Add a drop of dove’s blood to your bath (or pomegranate for vegans!) invoking the powers of sex and death. Cast spells from your desk with a discreet athame & that candle from Karen. Illustrate your grimoire with the black ichor of ages.

#Sagittarius: Have you been practicing your insect orchestra? The world is taken with your immense creative talent, as well as the thousand glittering eyes of your garage band. It’s time for you to monetize this. Humans & bats alike applaud your hard & unfathomable work.

#Capricorn: It’s like you’re writing your tell-all memoir to let people know what you will absolutely not tolerate, who should have behaved better, & who the real hero/ine is after all. & then a steamy romance novel about a tortured painter/werewolf lover that slowly comes true….

#Aquarius: To-do lists are too subtle for you. Now that you clawed your way out of darkness, you need totemic gauges in the altar you’ve made to your gods of blood, love, & magic. Hunt obscure ingredients at the new moon with the nocturnal gusto of a predator. This is #selfcare

#Pisces: Did you know that witches used “flying ointment,” an orgasmic herbal vaginal salve that made the user transcendent with pleasure? This is#goals for all areas of your life. You are in luxury so intense that it could be a religion. Do it up, merwitch style.

Featured image: Night Blossoms, 2018, Jezmina Von Thiele

Weird Horoscopes by Jezmina

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Hello friends! I’ve written out your week’s horoscopes because I want you to be happy, work your strange magic, and also not take this strange human flesh journey too terribly seriously, especially when things are a little wild.

Aries: Make manipulation fun! Especially retributive manipulation with an edge of altruism. But keep your Machiavellian magic in the workplace because your loved ones are already onto you.

Taurus: The cool thing about hating everything right now is that it’s so much easier to burn it all to the ground, organize your rebel band of merrymakers, and get shit done in the beautiful wreckage of your spoils.

Gemini: If you’re just returned from a harrowing-yet-sexy journey to the underworld, use your newly acquired necromancy skills for good. Bring some healing to this world.

Cancer: If an octopus can live in a friendship colony after a long day of solo hunting and introspection, so can you. Scuttle up to your loved ones and stare into their eyes until everyone’s intimacy issues combust in a stunning display of underwater fireworks.

Leo: The chaos in your life is nothing compared to the chaos in your heart. Treat yourself. Break all of your lover’s dishes. It’ll be wonderfully cinematic.

Virgo: So the Lord of the Underworld isn’t impressed with your good deeds or your new screenplay. Honestly though, his taste isn’t really that refined, and Persephone really digs your vibe. Keep up the strange work.

Libra: This is the week for you to get in touch with your feelings, like every single wretched feeling you’ve ever worked tirelessly to suppress. Go ahead, take a taxidermy workshop to meditate on the horror of mortality & make it your plaything! This is healing time.

Scorpio: Use your shapeshifting skills to tell any perceived weakness to go fuck itself. Try saying “fuck this” as a crocodile, a mongoose, or a narwhal, & step into your odd changeling power. Confidence is the ability to shed your flesh shell for a better one at will.

Sagittarius: Your mantra this week is, “I am ten thousand kittens in a trench coat. Human standards mean nothing to me, and I surge with the power of fluffy cuteness dressed for espionage and drama! THE WORLD IS NO MATCH!” Now deep breath in, and exhale.

Capricorn: Instead of throwing tantrums at work, pick up an instrument to release your frustrations. You can always throw that too. Screaming into the void never felt so good, because in your case, the void kinda has a crush on you.

Aquarius: You’ve been wading in the deep lagoon of mortal shame & suffering for too long. Towel off, don your fav dressing gown & nightcap, & carry a lit candle while incanting poetry to the masses. Make them too think about what they’ve done. It’s time for you to shine!

Pisces: You’ve always been funny, but have you been a loyal servant to the ocean & all of its mysteries? Use your charm to befriend new species this week, or even discover them. Bring out that inner sparkle that attracts marine life enmasse. Few can resist!

Featured Image by Ivan Pavlovskyy