#WeirdHoroscopes Week of May 1st, 2018 by Jezmina Von Thiele

Taurus After the full moon, your dreams will answer your most pressing questions about love, magic, & adequate hydration. Yes, even that dream about harmonizing with an all-spider a capella group. Especially that one. Keep a dream journal bound in fairy spittle.

Gemini The great thing about being dazzling is that everyone is drawn to you, but the terrible thing is also that everyone is drawn to you. It’s the clove cigarette paradox. Consider dabbling in some well-meaning psychic manipulation. Read Circe’s secret diaries

Cancer Whether or not you meant to, at the full moon, you supped on the youth of the world’s children, & you will never age. However, now you have the whims & fancies of an unrestrained child, & you must do your best to indulge the delightful madness that ensues

Leo Forget burning your candle at both ends. You doused the candle pile in gasoline, struck a match, then stalked away in slow motion. Are you busting yourself because of your childhoo–NOPE. Don’t look back there. It’s haunted. Buy a citrine quartz & take a nap

Virgo Listen, Satan has crush on you. You’re that cool. Your phone has been oozing hell-slime off the hook & disembodied emails are scrabbling at your threshold. It’s vampire rules: Just don’t invite him in & continue to slay. But keep the baby bat. Sooo cute!

Libra When was the last time you read through your old grimoires? Pore over the centuries of spells & stream-of-consciousness punning in search of codes from your higher self. Practice deep listening & draw boundaries with a poisoned athame. Your needs come 1st!

Scorpio You are in love with the moon, & she is changeable. She gifted you oceans, but full of sea monsters. You gifted her the starlight you secrete from the special gland all Scorpios have. It’s ok to ask the moon for commitment, balance, & splitsies dinners

Sagittarius You have crushed every bad thing that happened to you through your powerful cocktail of battle strategy & black magic. Now that the past is literally dead to you, light an arrow on fire & shoot it into a forest. The tree it hits will tell your future

Capricorn Hold interviews for your dream coven by inviting your friends into your dreams using tincture of mugwort & blue lotus, & a portkey. Set them psychic tasks & only let in the loves who wow you with kindness & green witchery. You deserve stellar support.

Aquarius When your subconscious fears materialize as, say, spiderbears, hold the offal of your terror-consciousness up to the crystalline light that pours in through your ceiling. It’s there to remind you that you are wonderful & to destroy, say, bloodeagles.

Pisces The full moon calls you to create your own spirituality. You don’t have to start by summoning hot Jesus from the Madonna video but you can! You have already have divine spirits from ethereal realms speaking through you, so preach from here to the YMCA!

Aries You are illuminated from within, literally emanating silvery lunar light from your skin, highlighting all aspects of your life, truth, & the universe. You can’t look away. No one can. It’s part of the curse. Learn from your light as you hover above mortals