Tag Archives: weekly horoscope

Weird Horoscopes–Week of May 20th, 2018

#WeirdHoroscopes are here again for the week of May 20th, delivered by sassy, weird oracle through me!

Gemini: Learn everything now. In your solar return, you have the ability to know all things by staring directly at the sun for several hours, or at the sun’s nemesis, the moon. Perhaps the latter is safest.

Cancer: Venus asks you to perform love & self care. Do something fun like bubble baths, knife fighting, or ax throwing. & if your loved ones don’t accept the love you give, set a “Make America Great Again” hat on fire.

Leo: If you’re asking yourself, “What am I even doing with my life?” then it’s really important that you don’t listen to anyone. Instead, go deep in the forest, cover yourself with earth, & let trees & herbs sprout from your ribcage. Then you will know.

Virgo: Make up some business cards to promote yourself & your many talents. Now is the time! & enchant them so that they burst into flame once the recipient commits their information to memory. It’ll show how dynamic & fun you are!

Libra: Consider volunteering your time to spread your wisdom. Shepherd souls across the river Lethe to the underworld. Become a volunteer ghost hunter. Counsel vampires grappling with eternity.

Scorpio: You are so passionate that you have an actual fire inside you. Learn to breathe it at will so you can char things or people as needed & provide clean, renewable energy. Learn to blow smoke rings out your nose too because people just love it.

Sagittarius: You just returned from the Underworld this week. Welcome back! Remember that the peeps on this side need you to show up in a corporeal form & do love & intimacy or whatever. You’re not swirling in a cyclone of spirit anymore! Not right now anyway.

Capricorn: Time to play! The stars suggest laser tag, or something in which you shoot light from your body, symbolizing how captivating & piercing you are, thereby triple-charging your powers. Perhaps try something with electric eels.

Aquarius: You have been reanimated after you were encased in ice for a hot minute, & it’s time to re-learn how to move your fingers & toes & pump blood through your body. Nuzzling animals & tanning beds are a good way to warm the heart, but not simultaneously.

Pisces: If you’re experiencing flashes of rage, do something productive. Start with a series of interpretive dance and arson, captain an armada of space cats, & write a treatise out of swords to resolve remaining grievances. Then take an angry-nap.

Aries: Privacy is important. Consider becoming unplottable, wearing disguises & full body armor, & sequestering yourself in a tower owned by a grumpy bear who minds his own business. You will later become great friends.

Taurus: You now have the ability to channel ghosts & spirits, especially Prince. Use your power for sassy good, wear a raspberry beret, & tell it like it is through song & androgynous sex appeal. Prince has a lot planned for you.

 

Featured Image by Wellcome Images