Tag Archives: weird horoscopes

Weird Horoscopes–Week of May 20th, 2018

#WeirdHoroscopes are here again for the week of May 20th, delivered by sassy, weird oracle through me!

Gemini: Learn everything now. In your solar return, you have the ability to know all things by staring directly at the sun for several hours, or at the sun’s nemesis, the moon. Perhaps the latter is safest.

Cancer: Venus asks you to perform love & self care. Do something fun like bubble baths, knife fighting, or ax throwing. & if your loved ones don’t accept the love you give, set a “Make America Great Again” hat on fire.

Leo: If you’re asking yourself, “What am I even doing with my life?” then it’s really important that you don’t listen to anyone. Instead, go deep in the forest, cover yourself with earth, & let trees & herbs sprout from your ribcage. Then you will know.

Virgo: Make up some business cards to promote yourself & your many talents. Now is the time! & enchant them so that they burst into flame once the recipient commits their information to memory. It’ll show how dynamic & fun you are!

Libra: Consider volunteering your time to spread your wisdom. Shepherd souls across the river Lethe to the underworld. Become a volunteer ghost hunter. Counsel vampires grappling with eternity.

Scorpio: You are so passionate that you have an actual fire inside you. Learn to breathe it at will so you can char things or people as needed & provide clean, renewable energy. Learn to blow smoke rings out your nose too because people just love it.

Sagittarius: You just returned from the Underworld this week. Welcome back! Remember that the peeps on this side need you to show up in a corporeal form & do love & intimacy or whatever. You’re not swirling in a cyclone of spirit anymore! Not right now anyway.

Capricorn: Time to play! The stars suggest laser tag, or something in which you shoot light from your body, symbolizing how captivating & piercing you are, thereby triple-charging your powers. Perhaps try something with electric eels.

Aquarius: You have been reanimated after you were encased in ice for a hot minute, & it’s time to re-learn how to move your fingers & toes & pump blood through your body. Nuzzling animals & tanning beds are a good way to warm the heart, but not simultaneously.

Pisces: If you’re experiencing flashes of rage, do something productive. Start with a series of interpretive dance and arson, captain an armada of space cats, & write a treatise out of swords to resolve remaining grievances. Then take an angry-nap.

Aries: Privacy is important. Consider becoming unplottable, wearing disguises & full body armor, & sequestering yourself in a tower owned by a grumpy bear who minds his own business. You will later become great friends.

Taurus: You now have the ability to channel ghosts & spirits, especially Prince. Use your power for sassy good, wear a raspberry beret, & tell it like it is through song & androgynous sex appeal. Prince has a lot planned for you.

 

Featured Image by Wellcome Images

#WeirdHoroscopes Week of May 13th

It’s time for my #WeirdHoroscopes for the week of May 13th! Live by them.

Taurus: Change is coming from within you in the form of an Athena-like lightning-burst out through your skull. Allow this new, sassy-smart electricity being to revamp everything from your wardrobe to your nervous system. Crackle onward!

Gemini: There is a sentient seashell in your ribcage. Pry open the bone-hinge, hold it to your ear, & listen. It’s whispers are calling b.s. & telling good truths, for it is all-knowing. Put your faith in yourself, your voice, & in psychic seashell.

Cancer: As it happens, your myriad, shimmering, weird impulses are the guiding force to the world’s happiness. Unlock the tiny bird-sized door of your throat & let the bluebird of your happy weirdness voice its prophetic delights!

Leo: you woke up this morning as the regent of a technicolor kingdom you didn’t know existed. Guide your surprise-subjects with blood wisdom & the intelligent ruby embedded in your guts. It scents change & demands fiery glitter. Be the ruler we deserve.

Virgo: You’ve been keeping dreams under your tongue like lozenges to soothe you but what if you glitter-spit those dreams into the world’s face & let the glorious spatter guide you to adventures that you only dared dream before. SPIT IN THE WORLD’S FACE, DARLING

Libra: You want to use leg magic to run away, but instead pirouette to the skeletons in your closet & invite them to high tea. Do feelings together over finger sandwiches & whatever skeletons eat (finger sandwiches?), even irrational ones. Ask them for advice.

Scorpio: Are you giving away parts of your flesh, bones, & eternal soul for free? The masses’ demand for you is akin to the Catholic mystic body cult’s demand for saint relics. Don’t let the people imbibe your magic ashes. You need them… for reasons.

Sagittarius: Don’t look back at failed adventures & shake your head. Look deep into your emerald veins & see that the present is an ever-churning river of blood magic, & you‘re tubing down like, WHOA, who’s even steering this fate innertube!? You are, baby. You.

Capricorn: Create balance in your busy life by running around in circles flinging coffee everywhere & shouting about how busy you are. Then, take to the hills & gather your talking animals friends for a lovely yet comforting story hour, & sleep beneath the stars.

Aquarius: Transform into a nymph, sprite, or scary merperson & let the enchanted waterfalls power-wash away all that no longer serves you. Pay no mind to the cynical squirrel guardians who say change is impossible. They’re just pissed their TV pilot didn’t sell.

Pisces: Try writing the conspiracy theories for a change. You have the wit to actually make them fun. Plus you also have the latent chaos-creator magic to make them true. That explains why you’re so good at visualization manifestation, like The Secret. Too good.

Aries: You awoke to find your body became a Transformer-style crime-fighting robo-suit. Collaborate with the team of friendly scientists who manifested in your bathroom to make the best of your new gear, talents, & life purpose. Also avoid emotional spending $$$

Featured Image by Melly Kay, Custom No. 109, 2013

Weird Horoscopes Week of 4/22/2018

Photo by Nicola Albertini 

#WeirdHoroscopes for the week of 4/22/2018

#Taurus: all acts of love & beauty are in your name this week, so ask mirror mirror on the wall what your self care should look like. Keep your spells & ruby apples for yourself, & rock that cape with a collar day & night.

#Gemini now is the time to bathe in donkey’s milk, encase your heart in golden honey, & teach your little asp to be your accomplice instead of your executioner. See how many bangles y’all can sneak out of the pyramids between you

#Cancer How can you best serve the Mother Darksome & Divine, & in turn, yourself? Try tattooing your lover in their sleep, mentoring at-risk bats, or start a school for wayward girls with pyrokinesis. Find the right cause to bring you back to your clawed heart.

#Leo If you are bored, it’s not you. It’s them. Your mantra: Be the gala at the haunted mansion. Be the reason the portraits’ eyes follow you through a room. Like, attracts like, dear Leo, & you’re well on your way to catching the eye of a charismatic succubus.

#Virgo It’s great that you appreciate aesthetics, but stop hiring your friends from model casting calls. Instead, summon some of the lovelier daemons from the realm of ether & fog. That #squad is much more your speed. Go hit the clubs!

#Libra Love is waiting for you in unexpected places, like secret passageways, a plucky werewolf pack, a forgotten pharaoh’s cursed tomb. Love is like The Hanged Man, upended, making it rain, loosely referencing ravens picking out your liver, but for the better!

#Scorpio Dress for the vigilante antihero job you want, not the one you have. Whether you’re more of a Mata Hari or Punisher, think carefully about the props you need—poison darts? Pitchforks?—what they say about you, & the energy they attract from the throngs

#Sagittarius If things don’t go@your way, make the chaos entertaining, like the Boschian nightmares you know & love. Let the farm animals indoors, fill the wells with perfume, adopt a tarantula, go to magic camp! It might be the most fun you have this year.

#Capricorn When was the last time you rolled around on the floor for the sheer pleasure of it? Or made friends with the rats at the park or on the subway? Prioritize glee. Teach a religious leader how to hula-hoop. Quit the banal. Become the Emperor of Ice Cream.

#Aquarius go outside, take a deep breath, & build the enchanted citadel you dreamt of through the long winter & planned with the thousands-year-old angels. Now is the time for your plans to blossom into gargoyles, flying buttresses, & architectural cryptomancy.

#Pisces What do you need to create an impenetrable sense of home? Whether you fill your garden with the top 10 poisonous plants, or build a thrifty diy fence of recycled daggers, be sure to give offerings to your house spirit & call your alien overlord collect.

#Aries Even the war gods need to chillax once in a while. Bring Cerberus, your three-headed puppy, out for a long walk in the sulphuric fjords, fashion a hammock from the flesh of your enemies, and just let the world melt away. Tiny umbrellas for your chalice!