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Weird Horoscopes Week of May 1st, 2018

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#WeirdHoroscopes Week of May 1st, 2018 by Jezmina Von Thiele

Taurus After the full moon, your dreams will answer your most pressing questions about love, magic, & adequate hydration. Yes, even that dream about harmonizing with an all-spider a capella group. Especially that one. Keep a dream journal bound in fairy spittle.

Gemini The great thing about being dazzling is that everyone is drawn to you, but the terrible thing is also that everyone is drawn to you. It’s the clove cigarette paradox. Consider dabbling in some well-meaning psychic manipulation. Read Circe’s secret diaries

Cancer Whether or not you meant to, at the full moon, you supped on the youth of the world’s children, & you will never age. However, now you have the whims & fancies of an unrestrained child, & you must do your best to indulge the delightful madness that ensues

Leo Forget burning your candle at both ends. You doused the candle pile in gasoline, struck a match, then stalked away in slow motion. Are you busting yourself because of your childhoo–NOPE. Don’t look back there. It’s haunted. Buy a citrine quartz & take a nap

Virgo Listen, Satan has crush on you. You’re that cool. Your phone has been oozing hell-slime off the hook & disembodied emails are scrabbling at your threshold. It’s vampire rules: Just don’t invite him in & continue to slay. But keep the baby bat. Sooo cute!

Libra When was the last time you read through your old grimoires? Pore over the centuries of spells & stream-of-consciousness punning in search of codes from your higher self. Practice deep listening & draw boundaries with a poisoned athame. Your needs come 1st!

Scorpio You are in love with the moon, & she is changeable. She gifted you oceans, but full of sea monsters. You gifted her the starlight you secrete from the special gland all Scorpios have. It’s ok to ask the moon for commitment, balance, & splitsies dinners

Sagittarius You have crushed every bad thing that happened to you through your powerful cocktail of battle strategy & black magic. Now that the past is literally dead to you, light an arrow on fire & shoot it into a forest. The tree it hits will tell your future

Capricorn Hold interviews for your dream coven by inviting your friends into your dreams using tincture of mugwort & blue lotus, & a portkey. Set them psychic tasks & only let in the loves who wow you with kindness & green witchery. You deserve stellar support.

Aquarius When your subconscious fears materialize as, say, spiderbears, hold the offal of your terror-consciousness up to the crystalline light that pours in through your ceiling. It’s there to remind you that you are wonderful & to destroy, say, bloodeagles.

Pisces The full moon calls you to create your own spirituality. You don’t have to start by summoning hot Jesus from the Madonna video but you can! You have already have divine spirits from ethereal realms speaking through you, so preach from here to the YMCA!

Aries You are illuminated from within, literally emanating silvery lunar light from your skin, highlighting all aspects of your life, truth, & the universe. You can’t look away. No one can. It’s part of the curse. Learn from your light as you hover above mortals

Weird Horoscopes: Week of April 16, 2018

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Weird Horoscopes by Jezmina Von Thiele! Here are my best cryptic predictions to keep you healthy and whole this week.

#Aries:You’ve been bowing to the powerful specter who lives inside you for too long. No one tells you what to do! Not even your own specter. Now is the time to rise up inside yourself & implement a ruthless revolution. & then treat yo’self to a sheet mask or date night.

#Taurus: You need to build an R&R-burrow to do some feelings, & because you draw comfort from tangible things, demand that the spirits of ether manifest. Let the archangels burn with splendor! Because for you, it isn’t real unless it’s right there blazing in your self-care bunker.

#Gemini: All the shady AF creatures you invited to your glam nocturnal garden parties are kind of douchey, so you’ve whisked yourself away to smokier realms. Stick to high standards for your infamous social calendar from now on. Enchanted fawns and Sumerian serpent priestesses only.

#Cancer: Your ambition to build the best crystal-shell palace is admirable, & your often-unseen blood-thirst for success is Queenly. Make sure your creatures will aid you in your deeds, & support your journey to be better than everyone. The bonding that follows is transcendent.

#Leo: If you’re wondering if everything is a lie & your anxiety is manifesting as hoards of spiders crawling up the walls, you’re right where you’re supposed to be. The new moon is an excellent time to take up hatchet throwing AND and hatchet burying. & maybe buy a funky crystal.

#Virgo: Everyone is really into you telling them what to do. People will probably pay you to do it, so dig deep & sweetly delve into their childhood issues in the boardroom. You’ll have your CEO crying like a baby & handing you that promotion in no time. You’re THAT delightful!

#Libra: If you’ve been disappointed by people recently, they’re stupid. Appeal to the magic boar of the forest to bring your true peeps (alive). Y’all might be scared at first bc the boar is bigger than expected, but open your heart, for he is gentle, & will also bring scones.

#Scorpio: This week is all about rituals. Add a drop of dove’s blood to your bath (or pomegranate for vegans!) invoking the powers of sex and death. Cast spells from your desk with a discreet athame & that candle from Karen. Illustrate your grimoire with the black ichor of ages.

#Sagittarius: Have you been practicing your insect orchestra? The world is taken with your immense creative talent, as well as the thousand glittering eyes of your garage band. It’s time for you to monetize this. Humans & bats alike applaud your hard & unfathomable work.

#Capricorn: It’s like you’re writing your tell-all memoir to let people know what you will absolutely not tolerate, who should have behaved better, & who the real hero/ine is after all. & then a steamy romance novel about a tortured painter/werewolf lover that slowly comes true….

#Aquarius: To-do lists are too subtle for you. Now that you clawed your way out of darkness, you need totemic gauges in the altar you’ve made to your gods of blood, love, & magic. Hunt obscure ingredients at the new moon with the nocturnal gusto of a predator. This is #selfcare

#Pisces: Did you know that witches used “flying ointment,” an orgasmic herbal vaginal salve that made the user transcendent with pleasure? This is#goals for all areas of your life. You are in luxury so intense that it could be a religion. Do it up, merwitch style.

Featured image: Night Blossoms, 2018, Jezmina Von Thiele

Weird Horoscopes by Jezmina

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Hello friends! I’ve written out your week’s horoscopes because I want you to be happy, work your strange magic, and also not take this strange human flesh journey too terribly seriously, especially when things are a little wild.

Aries: Make manipulation fun! Especially retributive manipulation with an edge of altruism. But keep your Machiavellian magic in the workplace because your loved ones are already onto you.

Taurus: The cool thing about hating everything right now is that it’s so much easier to burn it all to the ground, organize your rebel band of merrymakers, and get shit done in the beautiful wreckage of your spoils.

Gemini: If you’re just returned from a harrowing-yet-sexy journey to the underworld, use your newly acquired necromancy skills for good. Bring some healing to this world.

Cancer: If an octopus can live in a friendship colony after a long day of solo hunting and introspection, so can you. Scuttle up to your loved ones and stare into their eyes until everyone’s intimacy issues combust in a stunning display of underwater fireworks.

Leo: The chaos in your life is nothing compared to the chaos in your heart. Treat yourself. Break all of your lover’s dishes. It’ll be wonderfully cinematic.

Virgo: So the Lord of the Underworld isn’t impressed with your good deeds or your new screenplay. Honestly though, his taste isn’t really that refined, and Persephone really digs your vibe. Keep up the strange work.

Libra: This is the week for you to get in touch with your feelings, like every single wretched feeling you’ve ever worked tirelessly to suppress. Go ahead, take a taxidermy workshop to meditate on the horror of mortality & make it your plaything! This is healing time.

Scorpio: Use your shapeshifting skills to tell any perceived weakness to go fuck itself. Try saying “fuck this” as a crocodile, a mongoose, or a narwhal, & step into your odd changeling power. Confidence is the ability to shed your flesh shell for a better one at will.

Sagittarius: Your mantra this week is, “I am ten thousand kittens in a trench coat. Human standards mean nothing to me, and I surge with the power of fluffy cuteness dressed for espionage and drama! THE WORLD IS NO MATCH!” Now deep breath in, and exhale.

Capricorn: Instead of throwing tantrums at work, pick up an instrument to release your frustrations. You can always throw that too. Screaming into the void never felt so good, because in your case, the void kinda has a crush on you.

Aquarius: You’ve been wading in the deep lagoon of mortal shame & suffering for too long. Towel off, don your fav dressing gown & nightcap, & carry a lit candle while incanting poetry to the masses. Make them too think about what they’ve done. It’s time for you to shine!

Pisces: You’ve always been funny, but have you been a loyal servant to the ocean & all of its mysteries? Use your charm to befriend new species this week, or even discover them. Bring out that inner sparkle that attracts marine life enmasse. Few can resist!

 

Featured Image by Ivan Pavlovskyy