Weird Horoscopes by Jezmina

Hello friends! I’ve written out your week’s horoscopes because I want you to be happy, work your strange magic, and also not take this strange human flesh journey too terribly seriously, especially when things are a little wild.

Aries: Make manipulation fun! Especially retributive manipulation with an edge of altruism. But keep your Machiavellian magic in the workplace because your loved ones are already onto you.

Taurus: The cool thing about hating everything right now is that it’s so much easier to burn it all to the ground, organize your rebel band of merrymakers, and get shit done in the beautiful wreckage of your spoils.

Gemini: If you’re just returned from a harrowing-yet-sexy journey to the underworld, use your newly acquired necromancy skills for good. Bring some healing to this world.

Cancer: If an octopus can live in a friendship colony after a long day of solo hunting and introspection, so can you. Scuttle up to your loved ones and stare into their eyes until everyone’s intimacy issues combust in a stunning display of underwater fireworks.

Leo: The chaos in your life is nothing compared to the chaos in your heart. Treat yourself. Break all of your lover’s dishes. It’ll be wonderfully cinematic.

Virgo: So the Lord of the Underworld isn’t impressed with your good deeds or your new screenplay. Honestly though, his taste isn’t really that refined, and Persephone really digs your vibe. Keep up the strange work.

Libra: This is the week for you to get in touch with your feelings, like every single wretched feeling you’ve ever worked tirelessly to suppress. Go ahead, take a taxidermy workshop to meditate on the horror of mortality & make it your plaything! This is healing time.

Scorpio: Use your shapeshifting skills to tell any perceived weakness to go fuck itself. Try saying “fuck this” as a crocodile, a mongoose, or a narwhal, & step into your odd changeling power. Confidence is the ability to shed your flesh shell for a better one at will.

Sagittarius: Your mantra this week is, “I am ten thousand kittens in a trench coat. Human standards mean nothing to me, and I surge with the power of fluffy cuteness dressed for espionage and drama! THE WORLD IS NO MATCH!” Now deep breath in, and exhale.

Capricorn: Instead of throwing tantrums at work, pick up an instrument to release your frustrations. You can always throw that too. Screaming into the void never felt so good, because in your case, the void kinda has a crush on you.

Aquarius: You’ve been wading in the deep lagoon of mortal shame & suffering for too long. Towel off, don your fav dressing gown & nightcap, & carry a lit candle while incanting poetry to the masses. Make them too think about what they’ve done. It’s time for you to shine!

Pisces: You’ve always been funny, but have you been a loyal servant to the ocean & all of its mysteries? Use your charm to befriend new species this week, or even discover them. Bring out that inner sparkle that attracts marine life enmasse. Few can resist!

 

Featured Image by Ivan Pavlovskyy

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