It’s time for my #WeirdHoroscopes for the week of May 13th! Live by them.

Taurus: Change is coming from within you in the form of an Athena-like lightning-burst out through your skull. Allow this new, sassy-smart electricity being to revamp everything from your wardrobe to your nervous system. Crackle onward!

Gemini: There is a sentient seashell in your ribcage. Pry open the bone-hinge, hold it to your ear, & listen. It’s whispers are calling b.s. & telling good truths, for it is all-knowing. Put your faith in yourself, your voice, & in psychic seashell.

Cancer: As it happens, your myriad, shimmering, weird impulses are the guiding force to the world’s happiness. Unlock the tiny bird-sized door of your throat & let the bluebird of your happy weirdness voice its prophetic delights!

Leo: you woke up this morning as the regent of a technicolor kingdom you didn’t know existed. Guide your surprise-subjects with blood wisdom & the intelligent ruby embedded in your guts. It scents change & demands fiery glitter. Be the ruler we deserve.

Virgo: You’ve been keeping dreams under your tongue like lozenges to soothe you but what if you glitter-spit those dreams into the world’s face & let the glorious spatter guide you to adventures that you only dared dream before. SPIT IN THE WORLD’S FACE, DARLING

Libra: You want to use leg magic to run away, but instead pirouette to the skeletons in your closet & invite them to high tea. Do feelings together over finger sandwiches & whatever skeletons eat (finger sandwiches?), even irrational ones. Ask them for advice.

Scorpio: Are you giving away parts of your flesh, bones, & eternal soul for free? The masses’ demand for you is akin to the Catholic mystic body cult’s demand for saint relics. Don’t let the people imbibe your magic ashes. You need them… for reasons.

Sagittarius: Don’t look back at failed adventures & shake your head. Look deep into your emerald veins & see that the present is an ever-churning river of blood magic, & you‘re tubing down like, WHOA, who’s even steering this fate innertube!? You are, baby. You.

Capricorn: Create balance in your busy life by running around in circles flinging coffee everywhere & shouting about how busy you are. Then, take to the hills & gather your talking animals friends for a lovely yet comforting story hour, & sleep beneath the stars.

Aquarius: Transform into a nymph, sprite, or scary merperson & let the enchanted waterfalls power-wash away all that no longer serves you. Pay no mind to the cynical squirrel guardians who say change is impossible. They’re just pissed their TV pilot didn’t sell.

Pisces: Try writing the conspiracy theories for a change. You have the wit to actually make them fun. Plus you also have the latent chaos-creator magic to make them true. That explains why you’re so good at visualization manifestation, like The Secret. Too good.

Aries: You awoke to find your body became a Transformer-style crime-fighting robo-suit. Collaborate with the team of friendly scientists who manifested in your bathroom to make the best of your new gear, talents, & life purpose. Also avoid emotional spending $$$

Featured Image by Melly Kay, Custom No. 109, 2013